German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
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leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: