German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
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I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms