WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense![]()
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I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
is this how new cars are made??
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Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
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When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
The game has officially changed 😎
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When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”