Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
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If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
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dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
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(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
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[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”