Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?