I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
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In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.