Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
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My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
This made me smile…
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!