I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
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Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.