Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
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You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.