Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
You Might Also Like
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere