I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
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5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I know this now 😂
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?