Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
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My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day