It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*