I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
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Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream