At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”