“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

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I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her


I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.


TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir


[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb


I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.


Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.


DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work


Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber


WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.


Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.