“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I didn’t come here to be called names
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.