@Astute_Galoot

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

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@craiguito

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

@o__0Dev

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

@stevevsninjas

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

@TheBoydP

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

@notacroc

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

@JB4Realz

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

@praisecheese

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.