Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
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Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.