13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
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Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
🙂🙃🥹
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?