I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
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[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Ah..makes sense now
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.