trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
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Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.