Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
our love story in four pictures
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
guys i’ve cracked the code
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh