You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
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When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
kids play hide and seek like
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems