“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
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“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that