If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
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Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt