I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
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There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.