BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
This kid is a star!
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.