ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
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The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.