*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
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My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
bought wrong eggs
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross