If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
You Might Also Like
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.