One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
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#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
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Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Become a minion. Get that bread.
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I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.