Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
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My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
This kinda thing happens to me often
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.