Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
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I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
👾👾👾
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate