Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
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feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……馃槀馃槀
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what鈥檚 yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW