*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
A ghost story
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
But is it really??
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.