everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
![]()
You Might Also Like
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
![]()
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
![]()
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.