of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
You Might Also Like
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
🤣😂🤣😂
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.