Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
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My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.