Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.

Dishwasher: *starts*

Peanut butter on knife: LMAO

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.