Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
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I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.