My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
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We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
How to wake up a Beagle
This is a whole mood;
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Kids: Stay in school.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman: