Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
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Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I like crazy people until they notice me