me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
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My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
My dad teaching me to drive
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.