Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
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god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.