I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
You Might Also Like
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.