*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
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[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
this is funnier than any friends episode
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir