“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
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GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
I have so many questions.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
*pronounces fake like saké*
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations