Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
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Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
This could be us but you eatin’
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.