Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
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The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant