People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
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Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider