I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
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“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means