Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
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Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Human are so complicated
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.