Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
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I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”